If I Was a Tory Capitalist, I’d Be Pissed Right Now
Disclaimer: this is a parody with some serious points to make. I’m angry. I am here to illustrate how the Conservative Party doesn’t even look after it’s racist, homophobic, transphobic, horrid little fanbase. How vile and horrid and dangerous Torythink is. CW: racist, homophobic, all those things will follow. I hope to illustrate a fucking point. I’m fucking angry.
The founding principle of conservatism is that it changes the social landscape through gentle, incremental, naturally evolutionary shifts rather than dramatic radical ones. The latter is synonymous (for the Tory, of which I will endeavour to channel my inner cunt right now) with the left, a radical cesspit of pink-haired non-binary freaks (this is the tone; ride the wave, I don’t believe this shit) who want to change the world immediately for the worse. A slow, gentle change from the way things are to the way things could be is preferable. For fuck sake, its Darwinian!
But if I was a Tory right now (and I certainly am not: I’m a fucking anarchist) I’d be finding the current state of the Conservative Party to have absolutely no affiliation with my beliefs at all. If I was a Tory, I’d be fucking pissed with how the Conservatives were running the show, in a manner that matches no theorist of the right, from Malthus to Shapiro.
I’m going to endeavour to dive deep, and find my inner Tory — my inner Karen, my inner TERF fuckwad, my inner John ‘funny curry smell at the corner shop’ Cleese — and analyse each of the offending aspects of Alexander DePfeffels (I shall never consciously use his HIGNFY stage name!) pointless attempts at performing Churchill. This is going to get nasty.
COVID
As a Tory, I have a specific adoration for The War, and with the promise of a new Cold one on the way, against China no less, I could not be happier. Finally, I get to swoop in Spitfires. Finally, I get to go on holiday and cough to death like Captain Sir Thomas Moore. Have you noticed people who go on about respect can never get that gentleman’s name right? Captain Sir Thomas Moore. Not, Sir Tom. Or Captain Tom. Disrespects the army, the crown, and all the fish in the sea. Get his name right.
But if we are to go to war with China, surely we need an army. If Alex DePfeffel is to lead us onto the beaches as Winnie did back in the day — the good old days no less — then we’ll need to conscript every transgendered layabout from here to Ipswich. One small problem with that plan though Stan; none of them can breathe.
As a warmongering psychopath, I know how important it is to keep The Yellow Peril on it’s toes. But Alex has systematically made sure everyone of fighting age can’t walk up and down stairs, let alone build trenches, napalm kids, and all the other fun things the war is known for. This isn’t to say I think Alex is stupid, I think his political scheme is a very astute one; but it’s based on a principle of how many people he can make suffer rather than any kind of noble sacrifice for the nation. If someone was to keep the capitalistic engine moving, I probably wouldn’t open the borders so wide that I infect myself TWICE with the deadly disease. Although Alex survived (God bless his rotten soul), it is indicative of a certain level of foolhardiness that his primary goal is to murder as many people as possible, rather than creating a strong workforce that can pick apples now all the immigrants have gone away (thank god, amirite!) and invade countries with names I have absolutely no intention of learning to pronounce.
If I was a Tory, I’d be fuming that I can’t go to war. They promised me one. But now I can’t breathe to join in.
Family Values
Following on from that, the next primary ideological motivation for the Tory is Family Values. But in the advent of Alex, Priti, Raab and the gang, we’ve suffered a pandemic of immense proportions and now have more foodbanks than we’ve ever done in British history (and look, I said British, not English, because I believe in keeping the Irish where I can see them). Whenever I see that poor video of that kid saying he sometimes chooses not to eat to help his family get by, I think only one thing: the kid’s fucking white! As a Tory, I don’t care about those bumboy families (to quote Alex directly) or those black families. I only care about white families. And I’m not going to lie, most of my conscripted army of white children can’t breathe now, and the other half can’t eat.
If I was a Tory, I’d be pretty pissed that Alex has starved all the white kids in England. For a country that perpetually relishes the idea of the death penalty for paedophiles, I find it strange the starving of all children in the country didn’t start up the guillotines. It’s almost like wanting the death penalty back (even for paedos) isn’t actually about saving kids, but just so you have an excuse to kill something. But again, if I’m a Tory, I can’t go and kill something, because none of us have eaten enough to have the strength to load the mortars.
So, as well as promising me a war no one can fight in, Alex has also starved all of the (white) children in Britain. As a Tory who supports family values, that just doesn’t seem cricket.
Britcoin?
Speaking of the blacks! — why is there a brown guy dealing with all the money? And on top of that, he has some pretty radical ideas about what to do with it. Rishi Sunak recently announced he was looking into Britcoin, an ecurrency alternative to the proper Pounds Stirling. Now, as a Tory, who is fucking happy they are bringing back imperial measurements, the idea this little toerag (and a brown one no less) can decide to get rid of the Queen’s fucking head for something that the left go on about makes my blood boil! Britcoin! I want threppenny bits with Prince Andrew carved into the face, and a baby on the other side. I want the Conservative Party — now we no longer use a gold standard, something Labour forgot about when they had power for 0.001 microseconds — to boost the wealth of the nation. This upstart going on about how much he likes Coca Cola is going to remove the Queen from circulation and replace it with what?
As a Tory, I’d be pretty pissed a party that says it supports Imperial Units of Power is going to invest in something so radical. Suddenly changing the entire system over to ecurrency is tantamount to… radicalism? I expect the left to make huge leaps of judgement for the detriment of all mankind, but my beloved Tories? They should be investing in proper money, not some lefty bollocks.
Immigration
One of those foreign lot are on our side though. Priti Patel. She gets it. She may be one of those ones from elsewhere, but she understands the importance of keeping my country secure.
But wait a second? Capitalism, my favourite thing in the whole world, works on paying my labour force less than the value of their work. I tell them that isn’t the case, but we all know its true, because with some hard work, and some elbow grease, we all have the chance to be the next Jeff Bezos! Or at least, I did, until Priti Patel made sure my entire underpaid pseudo-enslaved workforce had to be deported. I voted for The Conservatives because they said they would look after my interests as a businessman. How am I meant to look after my (white, straight) family if I can’t exploit all of my workers? I had a tonne of Polish and Brown and Black (slaves) workers doing the heavy-lifting for pennies (or britpennies, e-coin threppenny bytes?) and now I have to do it, because they all had to go back to Bongobongoland.
If I was a Tory, I’d be pretty pissed that the immigration arm of the nation doesn’t understand the foundational principle of capitalism. Exploited work. If you keep drowning them in The Channel, they won’t be able to drive my trucks to deliver all that petrol I stole from the Native Americans. I’m not saying I need immigrants in the country, but I do need them in the office because no one has emptied the bins in a week. And I’m not gonna do it. I’m a white dude.
If I was a Tory, I’d be pretty pissed that they handled the borders so appallingly they infected all the hardworking white people with COVID so they can’t fight in Cold War II: The Coldwarrening, and on top of that, all the brown people can’t stack shelves. It’s almost like Priti Patel doesn’t actually understand what capitalism even is. Her decisions don’t really help capitalists. It’s almost like she just wants to watch kids drown.
Policing
OK. Ok ok ok. This one must be OK. As a jackboot licking Tory, my favourite blackshirt defending rape brigade must have been cared for under the ideologies of DePfeffelism.
Errrrrr, but no. As a Tory I believe the only thing that matters is my freedom of speech. If I want to say that trans-men are breaking into bathrooms to diddle kids, or that black people have craniums smaller than the average white guy, or if I want to say that 5G towers are giving me cancer, I need to be able to say that. And although I know my alt-right, fascist mouthpiss is ostensibly protected by the police, I can’t help but wonder:
You said that you were underfunded but you’ve just been given more money, and all those imaginary rapey trans people still exist. It can’t just be because you’ve spent all your time sitting on the necks of women at vigils, surely? Why does crime still exist! I’ve simultaneously heard that my beloved Tories have cut your funding and given you more. And yet you can’t organise a piss up in a brewery. All those loony lefties are out in their hoards. And what was #PritiFascist’s take on all of this: to deny freedom of speech. It almost makes me believe that weird Corbynista lot that there IS in fact a magic money tree. I thought we needed more nuclear subs, for the war no one can fight in, because we all can’t breathe? You are instead giving it to police officers who want to stop me from going outside to protest?
Because although I know that this anti-protest stuff is to stop that ‘they/them save the planet’ lot from sitting on motorways, I can’t help but think to myself —
I’m a Tory but I want to have coffee with Eddie Marsan. I want to help my liberal daughter get to university. I don’t want her dating that black kid she met, I want her to be happy. I don’t get it, but I want the best for her. I want to keep driving my Mercedes. I want to go to work and give some immigrant a chance, for 5p an hour. What happens if I disagree with something? I mean, I won’t, Alex, I love everything you’ve done. But what happens if I disagree — ? You won’t lock me up right? Not me. I donated to the cause. I watch Richard Dawkins videos and masturbate to Asian Porn. I’ve never downloaded a film illegally, have an Amazon Prime account. I shop in Waitrose. My best mate is a policeman. Haha… you won’t have a problem with me right? I’m doing it the right way, right. Right? I’ve done everything you wanted…
